Donald Trump has reportedly ordered the Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke to unify those states in America that claim the same name. He said “we have to settle any simmering differences between North and South Dakota, the Carolina’s as well as West Virginia and the plain Virginia.
“By doing soon I hope to avoid the bloody conflicts that developed between North and South Korea, the mess a divided Vietnam brought to this country as well as a repeat of our own unsuccessful civil war between the states.”
The President, speaking at a 4H Club convention in Iowa, told the young attendees and wandering barnyard animals that he “believes it is really, really important that before we even deal with those crazy Koreans we have to settle our own border issues be they foreign or domestic.”
Mr. Trump offered little proof of any turmoil between the states in his speech. Later, however, a spokesperson pointed to a Fox News report that had replayed the President’s earlier remarks as confirmation that it could become “a clear and present danger.”
Sources in the White House report that a meeting attended by the joint chiefs, some members of the cabinet and Trump’s hairdresser was called to discuss stationing troops along some state borders as a deterrent to insurrection.
Reporters traveling on Air Force One, now called the ‘Shuttle’ by the White House staff, asked Mr. Trump what prompted his call for action. He said he got the idea from looking at a picture “hanging up at my place in Washington.”
“I was walking down the hall and saw this portrait of the last great Republican president behind me, Abe Lincoln, staring at me. Tremendous president. He had some really tremendous ideas, although honestly there were some others I don’t think were so great. But listen, I don’t want to repeat his mistake of overlooking the problems caused by a civil war. I think we can all agree that if he had paid a little more attention to what was happening around him, like I am, he probably would have thought of something sooner.”
When Mr. Trump was asked if he was familiar with Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address he said, “No, do you know? I didn’t even know he lived there let alone where his house was. But I can tell you this, his address in Washington was the same as I have now. We have a lot in common although I think I got more votes.”
The president was also asked about the comments he made about Hillary Clinton during his appearance before the mostly family friendly audience. Looking out before the crowd he had said, “Any farmer’s daughters here? Listen; do you know what Bill Clinton and I have in common? We both cheated on Hillary.”
When asked to clarify his remarks Mr. Trump replied, “What can I say, it’s true,” before walking off.