American intelligence sources, as well as a pack of cub scouts on a ham radio in Newfoundland, say they have intercepted communications at the highest level between ISIS and other terrorist groups.The communiques boast of a perceived alignment between the goals of their organizations and the policies of the Republican Party.
The source said that Amir Bengasi, a strategic planner within ISIS, presented a report that was posted on their website. It made the case that as President Trump and Republicans continue to gut health care, environmental standards, civil rights, gun reforms and longstanding alliances they represent a greater threat to the American way of life than anyone outside the country’s borders.
A defining moment, said an ISIS spokesman speaking through an intermediary, was the ailing Senator John McCain’s decision to travel to Washington to cast a vote in favor of continuing to find a way to take away healthcare. “When a so called American hero is willing to put party before country can we do any worse? It’s like Congress works for us.
“The United States is now being led by a pack of inbred hyenas and a deranged president opposed by a majority of the people. Given time they will divide the country and the infidels will prey upon each other like rabid dogs. Rather than unite them with acts of violence we can achieve our goal of destroying the great Satan by simply staying out of the way.”
ISIS is said to be producing a series of selectively edited video clips of President Trump and ‘his minions’ making controversial comments that will further polarize Americans. They plan on routing them to Fox News, the Sinclair Broadcast Group and other conservative outlets where they believe they will show them without realizing, or even caring, about their true origin or intent.
“Our methods may not be the same but the outcome will be. Thousands of our martyrs couldn’t cause the suffering and death that millions of Americans will face from our Brothers of the Grand Old Party. And blessing of blessings, they can do it in a few weeks with just the stroke of a pen.” The ISIS spokesman said with begrudging respect. “But personally I prefer the point of a sword.
“No one can turn the United States into a third world country quicker than Trump and the lackeys that serve him. He’s about as loony as they come and believe me, I know loony,” the insurgent added.
ISIS’s plans include funneling money back into the United States to fund GOP candidates, shopping at Trump properties and gifting female hostages.
When told that the Republicans will not accept, at least as of now, sex slaves as contributions the ISIS spokesman found that odd as “they act like cheap whores who show little sign of refusing any advances.”