With Donald Trump back occupying the Oval Office the letters from the public have been pouring in. Many were illegible, stained or contained spelling and grammatical errors. Here’s a sample edited for clarity.
Dear President Trump,
I got tickets to a bunch of your shows and bought all sorts of merch. Remember when you waved at me?
I’m so excited you’re back headlining on the big stage and this time with an All-Star group. There’s that lady with some gray hair Tubby something, the dog shooter girl, G.I. joe, some black guy, and that weirdo with the buggy eyes at Hoover’s old place. Also, the pale, jumpy nerdy guy who sometimes dances around you. And of course, RfK jr. Wow, you got a Kennedy! I still can’t believe it!
I got to say, all these guys seem so much more in tune with you than those jerks who backed you on your last gig. It still fumes me when I think about those made up, tell all stories they lied about you. A bunch of Yoko’s.
Anyway, as a favor mister President, could you send me a poster from that show where you almost maybe got shot? I couldn’t make that one because I ran out of gas money. Also, just so you know, my MAGA bedspread peeled apart.
Gladys May, Mississippi
Mr. President,
My name’s W.T.F., not my real initials, and I work at the office of the F.A.F.O., again not the real initials. Well, I should say worked there and I’m wondering why I don’t anymore. I had a really important job which I can’t talk about but I’ll tell you since you’re probably okay. I program nuclear codes. And I bet you thought you were the only one with a copy!
I’d like you to get me my old job back with a really big raise, a corner office, every Friday off and a Tesla, and not one of those cheap ones. If you want to talk let me know at your news conference by scratching the top of your head, then your nose followed by your ear, wiggle your tie and then rub your little flag pin. And be sure to do that in order. That’s head, nose, ear, tie, flag.
I’ll also throw in some nude pictures of your wife at no charge.
A.S.A.F.P., USA
To President,
I know you’re a smart guy and real good with numbering. I was wondering if you could pass a law or something and add an extra day to the week so I can have 3 days off. I think a lot of people would like that.
Clint, Arkansas
Your Excellence,
Just as Jesus rose from the grave, so have you. Given up for dead, you returned and wandered the land on a mission as you gathered your flock.
You housed the poor in your tenements. You have led and encouraged those who went astray. You’ve taken criminals and conspirators and forgave them. You’ve put those thought unfit and placed them on high. You protect the unborn from their mothers. You seek to silence those who speak of you in blasphemous tones.
You are a savior, one anointed by our Lord to lead us again. May God have mercy on our souls.
Pastor Willie, South Carolina
My Always President,
We’re sort of alike except your folks gave you a lot of money and you married that naked model lady. She’s a winner. And that’s what I was wondering about, where is she? I look all over for her whenever I see you and I can’t find her anywhere. Not that you daughter’s all bad or those blonds saying stuff for you with their shiny crosses dangling on their chests. It’s like Hooters but with girls that can talk okay.
Anyway, I hope all is well with you and the missus because she sort of reminds me of my step daughter. But, if things aren’t working out you should try that stormy girl you said you didn’t have sex with. She looks like a good time.
Also, thanks for the pardon.
Billy Bobby, West Virginia
Americas President,
Thanks for telling all them foreigners to shove it. I can’t remember the last time the world did anything good for me. MAGA!
Don, Mississippi
To: Donald Trump,
You’ve done more to undermine this country in a short time then any other American, let alone a fellow President, has done in their lifetime.
You laid the groundwork for a rabid mob to assault our system of government and then pardoned them. And with the help of what used to be my Republican Party you’ve installed a cabinet with suspect loyalties and competence. You’ve placed a man, neither elected nor confirmed by committee who, with your blessing, is running wild at the highest levels of government.
You’ve destroyed the trust of our allies and trading partners, embraced dictators and turned the axis of evil upside down. You have put the world on notice on how fickle and reckless you can be. You are Making America Go Away.
You will never be welcomed at my final resting place.
R. Reagan, Simi Valley, CA