Caffeine Fueled Witness Spills The Beans

“I’m Detective Laurel and this is Inspector Hardy. I understand you were here at this coffeehouse when the disturbance took place?”

   “Yes. Hi, I’m Alan Brown and I certainly was. I was sitting at that table over there.”

“And how long had you been at the table before the incident occurred?”

   “About four hours.”

“You were at that table for four hours?”

   “Yes I was.”

“And you live nearby here in Williamsburg.”

   ‘”Yes, I do. I often come here to observe the human condition.”

“Well, okay. What can you tell us about how it started?”

   “I remember some guy in a Con Ed vest who was waiting in line yelling at some guy who      walked right past him and picked up an online order.”

“Did you hear what he said?”

   “Yeah, something like ‘hey asshole, you in that stupid pork pie hat, get in line like everyone else’ as the kid ran out.”

“Then what?”

   “And then some sales clerk in line wearing a Modell’s Sporting Goods shirt screams at some lady who comes in to pick up her order.”

“Did you hear what she yelled?”

   “I think it was, ‘play by the rules, douchebag’.”

“But nobody’s cutting in the line, they’re just picking up their waiting orders and leaving, right?”

   “Yeah, right. Just a steady stream of people picking up their drinks.”

“So, what happens next?”

   “Well, the guys behind the counter were so busy making virtual orders that the actual people standing in line weren’t moving. It wasn’t long before the place was, I’d say about half and half, and you could smell trouble brewing. The next thing I know someone pushes over the velvet rope and a bunch of the caffeine-hungry mob started climbing over the counter.”

“Climbing over the counter? Did they hit anyone?”

   “I don’t think so. They just started grabbing anything they could get their hands on and throwing it. Frappuccinos, cappuccinos and innuendos were flying across the coffee bar. It was crazy. I myself almost got hit in the face by a frozen low-fat turkey bacon sandwich.”

“Could you identify anyone involved?”

   “Oh no, not me. It happened so fast and pretty soon I hid under the table.”

“Well, from the looks of the damage Alan it must have been pretty chaotic. Is there anything else you’d like to add?”

   “Yes, I would. I’d just like to say that what the world saw today was an example of members of the working class at each other’s throats while our greedy overlords profit. We’re all stuck in some sort of line and yet we can’t, or won’t, see it.


   “Yes, plus they usually burn the coffee here.”

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