In addition to renaming the Gulf of Mexico and buying Greenland, President-elect Trump is expected to sign an executive order to replace the familiar English language alphabet and grammar with an American version to reduce the United States’ dependence on foreign influence. That decision, according to a high-ranking member of the transition team who asked their name not be used, was discussed at a meeting with his appointee for Secretary of Education Linda McMahon and other advisors where the president spelled out his plans.
An audiotape is said to exist in which the returning president is heard to say, “America can’t let some other country control how we talk to each other. Allowing the English, or the Great Britain or whatever they want to call themselves, to be our only source of language is a threat to both our national security and freedom.”
Once he occupies the Oval Office again Trump is expected to deregulate some of the rules of grammar to make it easier for many of his supporters to read and write. His plans are said to include removing the mandate to always follow the letter ‘q’ with the letter ‘u’, as well as suspending the requirement of having to use ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’.
Other changes include waivers for reasonably misspelled words over six letters, no restrictions on capitalization and permitting run-on sentences if something is really, really, really exciting or important.
“The president expects these changes to be as welcomed as the updating and rearranging of basic mathematical principles that was used by members of his administration in his first term to justify the tax cuts,” added the Trump confidant.
“We believe that once the guidelines go into effect the Government Printing Office will save millions and billions of dollars by getting rid of a bunch of regulations that placed an overzealous burden on having to use many of the restrictions of the English language.”
When asked if any of this would be feasible the official wrote back, “That’s a great qestion. And the answer is that I’m pretty sure you didn’t even notice I left out the ‘u’ when I wrote ‘qestion’. Am I RIGHT or am i rite?”