The mailroom at the White House has been working overtime to keep up with correspondence coming in from some of Donald Trump’s most loyal supporters. Some letters ask for guidance, some to tell a story and others are of a more personal nature. The following is a sample from the hundreds of letters the president receives every day.
Mr. President,
You seem like the person to ask for advice. I’m thinking of leaving my dog at one of those fancy pet day care places but with all this trans and gay stuff, I’m worried that Rufus may come back as a cat. Should I worry? I know stuff like that happens all the time to kids in them lefty schools and playgrounds but I was wondering, are they gonna try to do that to our livestock?
Curtis, Alabama
To the president,
I heard that you only get like four hours of sleep a night and don’t drink or smoke. I tried the no sleep thing for like three days and had a hard time remembering anything, and had a hard time remembering anything, let alone make any kind of smart president decisions. And then came me ‘borrowing’ my neighbor’s stupid tessla to get to my first AA meeting and plowing it into a tree cause the stupid car was so quiet I nodded off. So, thank you very much elton.
Anyway, now that I don’t have a job no more, no driver’s license or home, I’m sleeping like eleven or thirteen or something like that. Seems like a lot, I know, but the liquor and pills helps.
Ray Ray, Louisiana
Mr. President,
Maybe you can help me explain to my wife why stuff at the store cost so much and we can’t afford anything no more. I told her if she didn’t like it to get a second job and shut up. I figured that’s what you’d say. Am I right?
Johnny, Arkansas
Dear President,
My girlfriend left me for some guy she met cleaning the men’s room down at the Shoney’s off Route 9. She took a lot of my passwords like for my bank, my OF subscription, and a bunch of others to buy stuff with. Anyway, I know you have a bunch of friends in Washington, like spies and secret police. Could you please get my passwords back and maybe put her on some sort of list? I’d like that a lot.
Mike, W. Virginia
Donald,
This is to let you know that my team will be renegotiating our agreement. The amended stipulations include, but not limited to, an increase in my appearance fee. Yes, that’s right Donald, again. Your approval rating is dropping faster than your pants at Jeffery’s island. Remember that? Because I do.
Have I mentioned I’m thinking of having someone over to write my unauthorized autobiography?
Continuing, there will never, never be a time when I can be seen in the same frame as Stephen Miller and/or his hideous wife. I bet even you wouldn’t sleep with her. Well, maybe.
And again, keep your two dopey sons away from Barron. The only thing they’ve accomplished on their own was surviving childbirth, and I want more from my (our?) son.
Don, did I tell you I’m thinking of lining up an agent to put together what I think would be the most explosive ‘tell all’ ever seen on Amazon. Or, for that matter, the highest bidder.
Wish me luck.
Please see the attached for further instructions. Review it (or not, I don’t care) and sign and date the document. And don’t try that autopen excuse again.
Melania T, New York
Present Trump,
Is it possible for me to come and work for you? For now, I’m swing shift greeter at Hooters. I get whistled a lot from guys and I’ve been fixed. The reason I ask is because I’ve seen that skanky woman you hang out with in the Wite House (not melony, the other one with the big teeth) and I know you can do better with me.
Aural Annie, Florida
Your Eminence Donald Trump,
I just wish Jesus was alive today to witness you in all your glory.
Pastor Willie, Georgia