A Janitor Taped An Ice Morning Roll Call

Here is a transcript of a recording from a recent United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) morning roll call. They were provided by a janitor who left his phone on after being ordered to leave the room.

RECORDING BEGINS…

(Man’s voice)

Hey, listen up guys, slow down on drinking the Kool Aid. We’ve already filled it twice and we haven’t even started the meeting.

Let’s begin with some exciting news for a lot of you.

For those who haven’t completed high school, the Department of Ed is gonna give you an opportunity to get credits towards a diploma by classifying your jobs as part of a work study program.

From my understanding, there’s no studying involved, no exams. The only thing you got to do is show up here. If you’re interested in signing up head over to the table out back with the red balloons taped to it.

Okay, on to uniforms.

Many of you have asked when we’re going to get some more sizes of vests and belts and stuff like that in. As you know we’re out of XXL, XXXL as well as on the other end, the smalls. The good news is that anyone who needs any of the X’s but can’t wait for them to come in can go to Uncle Sam’s Depot off route 67 and purchase a replica. Unfortunately, the shortage of small sized and extra small will take longer due to the overwhelming demand by children during Halloween last year.

(Audience groans)

Something else, there have been an awful lot of body cams coming in sticky and damaged. If this happens over and over you won’t be reissued another one.

(Sound of laughter)

Anyway, we have a few left on the shelf so if yours isn’t working come on by when you have some time.

(Sound of laughter)

We got a couple of new fellas here, sorry guys but still no chicks, from Uvalde, Texas. Some of you may remember how they were able to neutralize a crazed illegal who killed a bunch of kids and a couple of teachers before they had time to burst through the door. Stellar work, fellas. Stand up.

(Sound of clapping)

My advice to you new guys, put your masks on so everyone can see what you look like when you’re wearing them. Putting a face to a name isn’t really gonna help when you’re covering them in the field.

Okay, moving on. Let me say this one more time, the suggestion box is again full of requests to get Kristi Noem down here. I can’t say when that will happen but we’re in touch with her people to see if that’s possible. In the meantime, we got a couple of autographed posters and stuff on order.

Okay for the invocation here’s Rabbi Murray –

(Audience grumbles)

-fellas, fellas, just kidding.

Here’s Pastor Paul.

(Voice of Pastor)

Lord Jesus, as we prepare to do God’s work we ask that you protect us from those who seek to do our nation harm. We stand in gratitude for the bounties you have offered us and the swords of righteousness we have been chosen to take up. Amen.

(Chorus of amens)

(Man’s voice returns)

Just to second that, we all should be super grateful we’re here today. The pay in just a couple of months is probably more than most of you would’ve made in a lifetime. The respect on the streets is sky high. And you have absolute immunity when we’re out there. Legally speaking, that means you can do no wrong. And if that isn’t enough, there’s always goin’ to be a presidential pardon waiting.

Remember, we’re all that stands between hordes of illegals from raping and killing your family and everyone else you know. The fact is nearly anyone we grab has, will  or knows somebody whose committed a crime. Think about it, if someone you chase down and throw into a van is innocent they wouldn’t take off when they saw you, would they? And, as we’ve recently learned, white women and lesbians are on the table so there’s even a greater opportunity to meet our numbers.

Okay, before we head out, any questions?

(Muffled voice)

I think I covered that but no, Kristi Noem is not scheduled to be here. Anyone else?

(Moment of silence)

Okay, outstanding. Let me say men, right now you’re living your best life. Go out there, do what has to be done and have fun doing it.

Be safe and good hunting.

(Sounds of shuffling)

Hey, does anyone know who’s cell phone this is?