Oscar, is that right?
Right.
I’m Officer Horn and this is Officer Hardart.
Hi, thanks for letting me talk to you inside your squad car, it’s pretty cold out.
Sure, not a problem. Now you told the patrolman you witnessed both the accident and the assault that followed.
Yes, I did. Do you guys’ mind if I smoke?
No, not inside here. Okay, so tell me everything you can remember.
Sure, well I was out on the sidewalk mooning my girlfriend.
Really?
I mean it was just across the street from our place and it’s not like she didn’t deserve it. I kinda had asked her about if we had a murder-suicide who would go first. But before I could tell her who I would have guessed she yelled at me to get out. So I left. And yes, I pulled my pants down when I finally saw her looking out the window.
You know that’s against the law.
You mean like tepee a house is? Anyway, I hear this loud bang and that’s cause some car parked near me just got rammed. I reoriented myself and walked down past the rear bumper and looked over up at the guy that hit it.
And you feel you can positively identify the man who was driving the car at the time?
I can. If you peek out back the window it’s that guy in the tan parka. That’s the guy.
Okay, good. Did you talk to him?
Yeah, he rolled down his window and maybe said somethin’ about being distracted. But it was hard to always understand him. I couldn’t tell if he had a concussion or was drunk. I mean I have a hard time knowing which myself sometimes.
Really?
Yep, that’s right. Okay, anyway he pulls out his wallet and goes into some secret pocket and asks me if I think a hundred would be enough to fix it. I’m thinking with all the damage I’m seeing and all and the price of things these days that’s not anywhere close. So, to be honest with him I said, “Probably not.”
And then he dips into his wallet again and pulls out another hunni and some twenties and hands them to me. And he insists I take it, so I took it. Then he says are we good and I say sure. And then I start to walk away while he’s backing out most likely trying to leave the scene of an accident.
I’m guessing that wasn’t your car?
Well, in all honesty it was not. But I never said it was.
So, why do you think he gave you the money?
I don’t know, generosity. The guy’s car had Jersey plates and what’s he’s doing on the lower east side three in the morning wearing a tan parka, green hat and some stupid Crocs. Who dresses like that? Is it okay to smoke yet?
No, still no. And then the fight?
Yes, the fight. Okay, so as I’m leaving to mind my own business I happen to look back and see this other guy run up on the sidewalk and reach through the car window and yank Jersey up, out and down. And then he starts pounding him. He’s yelling, “where the fuck do you think you’re going.”
Do you see the person who assaulted the driver?
Yes, I do. He’s the guy over there with just a tee shirt and underwear on.
And what were you doing when this was happening?
Oh, I was bent down pretty low to, uh, tie my shoes. And that’s when you guys all rolled up.
Okay, let’s stop here so I can review this statement before it gets further out of hand. After you mooned your creeped out girlfriend you practically, but not quite, swindled money from a disoriented victim of a car crash who may or may not have seen you with your pants down and then watched him take a beating that you probably should have gotten.
Well, if you want to put it that way, maybe. But, I’ve been perfectly up front with you guys about everything. It was just, you know.
I got to say Oscar, I’m surprised our paths haven’t crossed before.
Probably because I just moved here.
Oh, really? Where from?
Honestly, I don’t know, my girlfriend did all the driving.
Bro, is that even an answer.
I’m sorry, It’s been a long night, officer. I’ve told you everything that happened and then some. Can I just go? I really, really need a smoke.
I gotta tell you Oscar, I never wanted a cigarette but after listening to this I’m ready to start. And yeah, you can go. But I’m guessing I’ll be seeing you around.
Not if I see you first.