Let’s face it, the Grim Reaper takes us all, some too soon and others way, way, way too late. And, where that final resting place may be says a lot about the life the person led. With that in mind, here’s a look at some sites for that certain someone.
Epstein Island
It’s a little off the beaten path but with so many reminders of underage girls, moneyed perverts and debauchery, the departed would enjoy an eternal stay at a place that defined his early, middle and later years. Yes, some might say the person knew not of the depravity that went on there and at other dens of iniquity, but those that know, know. And we all know.
McDonald’s
The deceased had a real affection for tasteless, overdone meat drowning in ketchup. That, plus their fondness for gaudy trappings and gluttony, makes burial under the chain’s golden arches a natural. A greasy fast-food joint, owned and operated by his family, at the entrance of Arlington National Cemetery would allow the public to toast the departed over a hearty meal of ultra-processed food.
A ‘19th’ Hole On A Florida Golf Course.
Yeah, it’s been done before, so we know it’s somehow legal. And what better place for a man who spent much of his life rounding into shape on the links? Of course, duffers can only visit in parties of four, but given the chance to pay their respects, while teeing off with their little white balls above the remains, the like-minded members of the elite can reminisce about the good old days before civil rights, women’s liberation, and woke judges.
Flushing Meadows
Aptly named for what could be their final resting place, this park is located in Queens, New York, near the birthplace of a man who at one time occupied the Oval Office. It’s also the site of the 1964 World’s Fair, a much-ballyhooed underachieving debacle that promised so much but delivered so little and ended up losing millions of dollars. With a polluted body of water on one side and congested parkways surrounding it on the other three, thousands of people can slowly inch their way past while gazing at the skeletal remains of both the fair and the deceased.
The Vatican
I know, right, who would have thought it? But as legend has it, the departed had once secretly petitioned the Vatican to be added to a list of prospective, martyrs saying, “no one since Jesus Christ has anyone faced as much adversity in trying to perform the good as I have.” Given the deceased’s vast wealth, all it would take is a contribution somewhere in the billions of dollars and a promise to never rise from the dead to make it happen.
Florida Everglades
The glades are an incredibly slow-moving and shallow body that reeks of decay, full of swamp creatures that continues to fester each passing day. An enduring reminder of the type of environment the departed contributed so much to during his residence in our nation’s capital.
Vandenberg Space Force Base
The perfect place to send the body off into the vast, cold, dark, void where it may seem right at home. There the departed can journey forth to infinity and beyond, hurling its way into oblivion as it further distances itself from our earthly bonds. Ironically, due to the lack of atmosphere in outer space, the deceased would no longer be able to suck out all the oxygen in the room.
Somewhere Off The Arabian Sea
The departed may seem to have little in common with the terrorist Osama Bin Laden. However, there are similarities to a rich nepo baby thug that had little regard for the lives of Americans. As the tale goes, the fanatic was dumped into the salty brine with little documented proof that it ever even happened. But it will forever create the mystery of where exactly he may be. And nothing says eternal life like “I’m everywhere and nowhere”.
A Dumpster Out Back
Anywhere, U.S.A.