I Bought Some of Donald Trump’s Classified Stuff


Hi Patriots,

I got some really great news to share with you on Drooper, the site for cyber warriors. But first, very important, I don’t want anyone passing this around to anyone unless you know them or have heard of them.

Okay, anyway, this is from one of Donald Trump’s secret drawers. Yes, that Donald Trump. Our last and future Commander In Chief has a lot of great stuff planned for our country when he gets re-reelected.

I can’t show you the documents because they’re hard to read and have a lot of stains on them. But I’m pretty sure they’re real.

For example:

Moving The 2nd Amendment Into First Place — Written on a McDonalds wrapper

That’s job number one. Second place is for losers and Donald Trump is no number two. After he’s done moving it up he’s going to drop that outdated ‘freedom of speech’ crap so far down that no one will even be able to find it. I mean, who even knows how many Amendments there are?

And as you know, more guns mean safer streets. But if some libtards are so worried about being randomly maimed or killed by an assault weapon at schools, concerts, work, stores, churches or just looking for a friend’s house they should stay home.

Replacing The English Alphabet With An American Version — Written on a KFC menu

Why? Well, because he wants to reduce our country’s dependence on foreigners. He actually supposedly said that. And he’s right, can America really be great again if we let some other nation control how we talk to each other?

As if that’s not cool enough some of the things he’s promising are going to make life easier for everyday people, especially those who couldn’t get past high school. For example, Trump’s going to issue an executive order to remove the regulation to always follow the letter ‘q’ with the letter ‘u’. I mean why is this ‘q-u’ even a thing?

Go To A Wood Based EconomyWritten on a Burger King napkin

The greatest President that ever walked the planet (not counting Jesus) plans to tackle the mounting deficit by moving to a ‘wood standard’ which he believes will allow us to wipe out both our national debt and unused forests at the same time. He seems pretty sure the Bureau of Land Management would go along with anything to keep its funding.

Campaign Talking Points — Written on a Diet Coke 12 pack

People, Donald Trump knows we’ll have some serious things to worry about if Biden or some other pedophile gets elected. What things? Well, as he noted in the documents, planes are going to fall from the sky, pizza will only come with pineapple toppings and dinosaurs will again roam free and eat our children.

Also, if that stupid Green Initiative really happens it will radically change the Earth’s gravitational pull. And you know what that means — no more gravity.

Hey, I have to go drive off this Piggly Wiggly parking lot real quick now because I know the feds are trying to clone my keystrokes and the food I eat. But it’s a small price to pay to keep you all free.

Remember patriots don’t inseminate this message to anyone. It’s Defcon three stuff. It’s not the kind of thing you can get just anywhere like Craigslist. Although, as it turns out, that’s where I got it.

Anyway, as my old buddy Tyler used to tell me, “Don’t be a stranger or at least any stranger than you are now.”


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