According to a physician at Walter Reed Hospital, the results of President Donald Trump’s recent physical included an MRI that showed large portions of his brain consisted of a useless ‘Styrofoam like’ substance rather than the essential white or grey matter needed to maintain a cognitive thought process.
The source, who had access to the findings but asked their name not be used, says that she was “astonished that anyone could function with a cerebral make up better suited to ship a package. Someone in his condition is more likely to draw stick figures on a cave wall yet he’s the de facto leader of the modern day Republican Party as well as President of the United States.”
In the past, Trump has often given glowing reviews of his own physical and mental prowess. However, many health professionals who have observed his appearance and behavior don’t agree with his assessment. The president is often seen as one with a short attention span, a large ego and small hands.
Dr. Philip Scholls, Chief of Neurology at Barnyard University Hospital, believes that this is “one of those rare instances in science that’s both a mystery and an explanation. These findings would indicate that Trump is straining to use every bit of his brain to just eat, tell time and stay awake. The effort needed to accomplish even those basic tasks leaves little room for any meaningful thoughts.
“Such an individual would have a diminished capacity to process reality, have little if any self awareness and act in an irrational manner. It’s also possible,” noted Dr. Scholls, “that this condition may be hereditary as evidenced by some of the actions of his eldest sons Don Jr. and Eric.”
According to the unnamed source, other tests found that the president’s feet are considered ‘petite’ for a man of his girth, he showed an inability to recognize certain colors and genders and has dangerously high levels of gas and bile.
Gil Prowler writes satirical and social commentary.